Good Knife, Mrs. Calabash - Humor

"Fetch the packing tape and strap upon the back braces, Brett!" Mac the Knife bellowed in his best Paul Robeson basso profundo. "Today's the big day, and we don't want to leave a single sequin unturned!"

Ever since britzska the Intern awoke him from last week's unfortunate experiment in comparative toxicology, the Knife has thrown himself into a restorative exercise routine: schlepping a decade's worth of Mac industry bric-a-brac from his digs upon the back page of MacWEEK to the Electric Knife, MacWEEK.com's swingin' bachelor pad at www.mactheknife.com.

With help from a sinewy ship's company of off-duty UPS drivers, this utensil has relocated greatest in quantity of the big trophies: Jean-Louis Gassee's orgone receptacle Michael Spindler's Abdominizer and Gil Amelio's bouffant-compatible hair dryer for example, have already made the Web impel Just a few more boxe to fill, and then it's Miller time!

Rubbing Steve the wrongful way

Here's a blast from the past: a string of well-worn worry beads personally fondl by means of Apple USA President Jim Buckley during the Great Power Mac want of rain of '95. A similar tranquilizer might help bark current Apple management off the ceiling after leaks about its Yosemite line of pro desktops.

According to the associate picking his teeth behind the U-Haul calculator the reports include at least a microkernel of truth: The first generation of Power Mac G4 will feature a 100-MHz logic board, a two- to four-speed Accelerated Graphics Port slot for video, and on-board FireWire and Universal Serial Bus. The Knife also dioceses fast storage in the Yosemite line's futurity possibly thanks to Ultra2 SCSI-3 hardware. (If he were a betting man, the Knife would bring money on a January Macworld Expo coming-out party.)

Forget the worry beads! Perhaps these leftover antacid tablets from Apple's February 1996 board meeting would help Messr piece of works & Co. swallow their bile above the tsunami-size flow of Yosemite intelligence onto the Internet; an entire generation of hapless contractors has reportedly been wiped without amid accusations correct or no -- that they were the source of the rumors.

One hand in my pocket

Check on the outside these crazy OpenDoc hip-huggers, hand-embroidered in unsullied Moroccan corduroy! Hard to believe all the developer were wearing 'em one time upon a time.

Thank goodnes fashion has changed since those days of promiscuous part-swapping! Consider the one-size-fits-all networking architecture that Apple has imposed upon Mac OS X (10): Despite vociferous support for unclose Transport's streams-based architecture, the company has reasserted its support for a Rhapsody-inspired sockets-based scheme.

Caveat developer: Despite the gallons of angle grease being secreted over this throw out by Apple's OS team, the Knife predicts that support for Dynamic entertainer Configuration Protocol will be missing from the first release of Mac O X

Time has draw near today

And just look at this Taligent wall calendar! certain it's 60 feet long and lacks all the month containing the alphabetic character "y," but it's still a handy way of projecting the ship dates of forthcoming Apple products

Measured against this mighty yardstick, Mac O 85 is buzzing along like an angry fulvous jacket. However, that doesn't mean the road is entirely unrestrained of bumps. According to the Knife's pit ship's company Apple toyed with the idea of dropping an entire beta circle of time from its schedule to detain the project on track; thankfully, nervous developer convinced the company that a hardly any extra weeks of torture testing would more than compensate for a slight lag in delivery.

For sale/trade: individual "Tickle Me Tesler" doll, almost like fresh No reasonable offer refused. Call (415) 243-3544; fax (415) 243-3535; mac_the_knife@macweek.com; www.mactheknife.com.

COPYRIGHT 1998 Mac Publishing

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